How We Can Fix KU Football – Part 2: Weathering 2019

So let’s say that we’ve freed ourselves of the 2018 season. Be that through mob coercion, a series of bribes, or anything discussed in part 1, we’ve done that. But the future prevails, as it always does. We must consider 2019.

Feasibly we lose the current coach by the end of the season. Potentially the end of the month. I might bang my head on the desk here if we still have the same coach by Wednesday night. But that’s out of our control. Actually, past part 1, basically none of this is in our control as a mob. The proletariat, Robespierrian football dream kind of ends here.

What I need now is support and credibility as the leading expert on Kansas Football and the guy who paid 18 dollars for the domain name subscription. I will need a letter writing campaign for the rest of these ideas, and I need belief. I need hope and a push from my loyal readers that I’m sure I have. I need a series of index cards stuffed into Jerry Moran’s mailbox that are different from the series of index cards I normally stuff into Jerry Moran’s mailbox.

I need you to take my hand as I lead you to the promised land. We, together, can help me tell someone else how they can fix the University of Kansas’ football team. Together.

This next idea is radical, but this is why I’m limiting it only to the 2019 season. Hiring a new coach by the end of the 2018 season doesn’t give KU and Jeff Long the necessary amount of time to find someone to fix the program. A few months just is not enough time. I’m willing to give them the entirety of next year to search, regroup, and put someone and something quality out in 2020.

Consider Not Hiring a Coach in 2019

Currently we’re paying David Beaty something like $8.8 Billion Dollars per win. That’s unsustainable. Cutting that part of the budget out would save a significant amount of money for the University of Kansas that could go towards fixing Wescoe’s bathroom doors or putting one of them food carts back in Murphy. It wouldn’t, but, y’know, we’d have it.

Football will still need to be played, and there are different schools of thought in accomplishing this. This forces us down branching paths, like in Star Fox, or when you put either the zero or the one on your W-4.

Path 1: Anarchy

The concept of anarchy has been misappropriated and misunderstood for years to the point that I don’t know what it is and I’m sure as hell not about to research it. That being said, I think back to all of the times when I worked at a mall sporting goods store and got the text from my manager saying he wouldn’t be in on that day… And y’know what I did? I opened Solitaire on that Windows XP computer we used in the summer of 2015, and I started setting records. I probably played the best solitaire of my life knowing I didn’t have any supervision to watch from. I was free. I flourished.

Now, just think of what that lack of supervision could’ve done for a guy like Dayne Crist. Think of what it can do for the future of Kansas Football. Perhaps the best option for 2019 is no coaching whatsoever.

Path 2: Communism

When I was a freshman in college, a cooperative livestream-based crowdsourcing initiative entitled “Twitch Plays Pokemon” successfully completed the game Pokémon Red. That fall, Jon Bois had readers send in instructions for him to enact in Madden 15. He ended up passing for over 800 yards, despite losing the game.

This has precedent, and both of those examples are from 2014. That’s a full David Beaty tenure ago. I’m willing to believe that, by 2019, crowd-sourced playcalling and coaching technology will have improved to the point that the internet will be not only feasible, but successful. The University of Kansas has the opportunity to be a pioneer, and we need to take control of that.

Path 3: Capitalism

Highest bidder, baby. Who wants to be the next coach of the Kansas Jayhawks Football team? Perhaps a better question is this: who’s got the money to pony up for it?

A whole lot of people pay a whole lot of money to get a piece of the sports glory. Clearly, there’s a demand. Big-name rich people like Mark Cuban, Steve Ballmer, and Magic Johnson all own teams. Big-name less rich people like Drake and a series of relatively rich white businessmen pay money to pretend to play sports. But KU can go one step further:

Auction off the head coaching position. Highest bidder becomes head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks. Other high bidders can get coordinator positions. People would absolutely do this. We just put a random rich chocolate magnate right up alongside the men who died in World War I in the name of our stadium. I think the same guy spent a hell of a lot of money on the original rules of basketball. The rich are both confident and profoundly unaware of their own limitations, somebody’s going to do this. We wouldn’t have to pay them, and we’d get money that we could later use down the road to pick up a better coach.


In part 3, the jokes end and I legitimately post like 2,500 words about who KU should hire for its next coach. Check out the Post Hole on Facebook and the Tweets, also the other site.

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