How We Can Fix KU Football – Part 1: Direct Action

Yeah I saw what happened. Nah it was bad, like, it was really bad. What was worse was that I like, stood up in my living room and paced. I drank like four glasses of water to calm myself. I have to pee so badly right now as I’m writing the intro to this post.

Kansas football is broken in a way almost identical to the way that it was broken in each of the past eight years. Despite having good, talented players, the coaching staff appears as incompetent as ever and they’ve just dropped an overtime thriller to Nicholls State, a school’s whose Wikipedia page of distinguished alumni is so vanilla that I can’t even bring up a funny person they produced. At least next week I can be like “They couldn’t even get past the school that produced Jeff Daniels.” Come on. At least have like a Sasha Grey or a Wendy’s Where’s the Beef lady or somebody, Nicholls

Anyway, the only way that Kansas Football will improve is the same way that I got my teachers to pursue a grant that got us better microscopes in the 6th grade: Breaking Things. Direct Action. If those watching from on high can’t control this, we the people must take control. Running the way it’s running right now, things won’t get better. We’ve gotta first shut down KU Football to save KU Football. Here’s what we can do right now.


Like this, but instead of almost nobody, just regular nobody

Don’t show up, baby! There are a couple of layers to this. Non-attendance can provide an incredible mirror into the issues that face supporters. To an athletic director, to an advertiser, to a booster sitting up in their Ivory Tower luxury boxes, the empty seats that make up the stadium’s grandstands stick out like a white hot acid burn on their skin. It can’t be ignored. If they look down on a Saturday and they see nobody… they might get the message.

Also, it’s possible that if nobody shows up, both of the teams will be like “huh, guess we got the wrong time for the game” and then maybe they’ll both leave. That sort of thing where you agree to meet your French tutor at a café, walk in for a second, look around for them but you’re not really looking for them, then go back home like “Oh I didn’t see them there I assume they cancelled the meeting or something. Au Revoir.”

Get the Government to Shut it Down


We’ve really got the ball in our court with Jeff Colyer. He’s now a lame duck, which means any sort of shit can go down. The governor’s got a lot of time on his hands and has proven to have a diapey fucking ready to be filled if anyone does anything involving the American flag. This gives us an easy path.

Earlier this year, Colyer shitted his pants so loudly about an art flag flown on the KU campus that the school took it down and hung it on a wall, indoors. We’ve got precedent. And we’ve got a perfect space to do it. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Somebody’s gonna have to take one for the team and take a knee, is what I mean. Doesn’t really matter who it is. Cheerleader guy, Kettle Corn guy, Baby Jay, it can be anybody. But as soon as we get a knee on the ground during the anthem, Jeff Colyer will have a pen to paper writing a memo and an indignant Facebook post that cancels KU Football by the middle of the second quarter.

We’ll be free. All we need is someone to take the knee.

This is a great start, Big Jay, just do it during the anthem

Hide the Footballs

They can’t play the game if they don’t have a ball.

“Accidentally” Mow the Field

All this pretty grass can be gone for a small fee…

That’s not real grass, but I’ve got an old Dodge push mower and a need for eight dollars to replace my copy of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 for the Game Boy Advance that says I’ll mow anything. All I need are an “accidentally incorrect address” and a Sunday afternoon and I’ll have that field turf cut to the point where they couldn’t replace it if they wanted to.

Unleash The Bear

Last time we let a bear play football he got totally juked out by this dude, too, so nobody’s gonna want to mess with the new one, he’ll have something to prove

Four hours before kick when nobody’s in the stadium, I can get my friend Saskatchewan Rick to cart his pet bear, Chipwich down out from his barn. We leave that bear in there. Now, who the hell wants to enter a stadium where there’s a real-ass bear? Nobody. They take one look at that bear and they’re running out of there.

Now, this won’t work against Baylor because apparently they’ve dealt with this shit for a long time, but that’s a road game this year. Also there’s a high percentage chance that the animal control people shoot Chipwich

Point is, basically, if nobody’s in the stadium, they’re not playing ball, and teams cannot lose a game in which they don’t partake. To save KU football, we must perform the equivalent of unplugging our XBOXes from the wall when we’re about to lose in Capcom vs SNK 2 EVO to preserve our unbeaten records.

That only covers this season. In part two, I’ll cover the future and the long term.

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