Baylor Recap: A Scene from the Alternative Universe Where Football Did Not Get Invented

Scene: KU Campus, probably like outside of Wescoe Hall, 12:33 PM on a Saturday, like any other Saturday, in November, like any other November

Richard: Hey! Jill! Wait up!

Richard, a male of as-of-yet determined ethnicity and body type, scrambles to meet stride with Jill, a female of as-of-yet determined ethnicity and body type in stride. Both are around 21 years of age. –

Jill: Hey, Richard! How’s it going? Enjoying your Saturday?

Richard: Y’know, it’s going great! I went to the Target and got one of those butterfly chairs on discount. Now I’m headed to the library to read up on some stuff for class. What are you up to?

Jill: Oh, nothing much! I was just walking down Jayhawk Boulevard, enjoying the lovely fall weather and really appreciating the fact that nothing has significantly crushed my spirits this afternoon!

Richard: Man, we really do take this wonderful weather and general state of mild happiness with no possible intrusion from any sort of negatively-charged event that happens upon every Autumn Saturday.

– Enter Davey, a male of as-of-yet determined ethnicity and body type, who is roughly the same age as Richard and Jill

Davey: Hey guys!

Jill and Richard: Hey, Davey!

Davey: You guys know what I was just thinking about? It’s crazy, how I’m walking down Jayhawk Boulevard on a Saturday afternoon in mid-fall, just having a great day, enjoying the peace and calm of a Saturday afternoon in mid-fall and soaking in the calm, lovely atmosphere of this great University. I haven’t had, say, an ESPN notification come up on my phone reminding me of my institution’s massive failures week in and week out, or anything like that which would stand to unnecessarily tinge this lovely fall afternoon with any sort of negativity. In fact, I think I might make myself a nice bowl of canned chili and watch the game on TV all afternoon.

Jill: Sounds like a great time, and a good use of your time. If you don’t mind, I’d like to watch the game as well, would you mind if I came along?

Davey: Not at all, Jill, my friend. The more the merrier, they say, when it comes to watching the game. Richard, are you up for it?

Richard looks at his watch, then his books, then his friends, and shrugs –

Richard: Well, I’ll have time to study on Sunday. It’s the weekend, and it’s prime time to make great memories with my good friends I’ve met here in Lawrence.

Davey: Well then, it’s settled! Let’s all go back to my dorm room and watch my DVD copy of the 1997 Michael Douglas vehicle “The Game”. I’ll ask my friends on the floor to come check it out as well, I’m sure they all love this film as well.

Author’s Note: In this universe, the 1997 Michael Douglas vehicle “The Game” was a smash hit instead of a mild hit, and it won many awards including the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1997, because in this universe, the Titanic also never sank and thus James Cameron’s film regarding said boat never came to fruition. It is normal in this universe for a group of younger adults to have an interest in watching the 1997 Michael Douglas vehicle “The Game” because it is considered a part of American culture. Also specifying that the chili you’re about to eat came out of a can is typical in this universe and not something a weirdo does. Also the word Hamburger is spelled out “Hamb-Burger”, with the hyphen.

Richard: Great idea, Davey!

Jill: I sure am glad to have friends like these, and I sure am glad to be a Jayhawk. I’m certain that I will never read a scoreline like “Baylor 38, Kansas 9” and have any sort of guttural emotional reaction to it, and instead I will continue to enjoy the work of actor Michael Douglas and director David Fincher.

Davey: Excellent. Now time to send a message to our group-text chat. I’m sure all of my friends will want to come – Carlos, Big Jeff, Angry Angie, Horsey, Urkel, Stephanie Tanner, The Librarian, Small Jeff, Dave-o, Mark-man, Geno…

Richard: Wait, wait, wait… “Mark-man, Geno”? Do those four syllables seem… meaningful to you two?

Davey and Jill look at each other and smile –

Jill: No, Richard. No they do not. Those four syllables produce absolutely no emotional reaction within the three of us, none at all. Nothing said by Richard in that list of names stoked any sort of feeling within us in even the slightest capacity.

Richard: You’re right. Let’s just go enjoy a classic work of cinema.

None of these characters are based upon real people, Jill excluded. Next week is Texas, and I will be doing my best not to watch that game at all, and I will offer counter-programming on my Twitch channel probably.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s