There is a gaping hole in the schedule, and it has been there ever since the end of the Turner Gill era, and we all know what it is –

Kansas has not lost to Georgia Tech by 42 points in five years.

Er… wait… What I mean is

Kansas has not played Missouri in five years

Five years? We’ve gone five years without playing and losing to Missouri? The Missouri Tigers? The Missouri Tigers who we used to play against for the right to win like a big drum?  I wanted to go into specifics with these incredulous questions, but all of my specific knowledge about Mizzou has disappeared from my mind like the photograph of Marty McFly’s family. All I remember about the Mizzou rivalry now is the time they tore down their goalposts after beating a 2-7 KU team.

It’s unfortunately rare that players go up and get on a goalpost, but I’d like to see it more often, the helmets would protect them from the damage of the falling uprights.

Anyway, we’ve got a gaping hole there. K-State’s still K-State, but we need that reciprocal hatred back. K-State’s apparently chanting “Fuck KU” prior to games that don’t even involve KU – a step up over Mizzou, who managed to wedge their “Fuck KU” chant into their already existing chant. We printed (well, not we, per se) shirts that almost said “Fuck Mizzou”, so that’s close enough.

But they’re gone, now. We have a vacancy at first place in the ol’ rivalry rankings, and I sure as hell ain’t driving to Manhattan to file the paperwork to put the ‘Cats in first. We gotta replace K-State, STAT. These are my candidates:

Texas Tech

Overall Record: Texas Tech leads 17 – 1


You know that trope between friends that goes like “If we both turn [AGE] and we’re both still single, then we’ll married”? I don’t know if that really happens or if I learned that from like a TeeNick sitcom in 2006 (I still feel for Chase from Zoey 101, poor kid)

Anyway, KU and Texas Tech are in the same situation. We lost Missouri. They lost whoever their main rival was (I think it was A&M). We have a wheat waving thing, they have a tortilla throwing thing. They take up, like, PRIME real estate in our fight song now. Whoever rewrote “I’m a Jayhawk” in 2011 had a prime opportunity to replace the lyric about doing Nebraska’s job with literally anyone, and they chose to call out Texas Tech. That’s hatred, I think. I think we hate Texas Tech.

My proposed name for the new rivalry is “The Reagan Bowl”, because Bob Dole went to KU, and John Hinckley Junior went to Texas Tech.

Wichita State

Overall Record: Unknown, KU’s probably the leader though, I assume. WSU won that tournament game in 2015 though

Bring back Shocker football, baybee! There’s a guy on YouTube who has been posting old WSU football clips, and I have watched all of them because I am a huge idiot.

Shocker Football Baybee

This image comes from the Shockers’ final ever football game, and man…

Doesn’t a scoreline like that look familiar? It seems like I’ve seen scores like that somewhere before… like… I don’t remember

OU vs KU.jpg
Oh, that’s why

We’d be kindred spirits, us and the Shockers.


Overall Record: Kansas leads 1-0 since 2016


I know this might sound natural, but I don’t think it’s fair to have such a one-sided rivalry. The ‘Horns have to beat the Jayhawks on the gridiron once in a while for it to be a rivalry.


Overall Record: Rutgers leads 1-0 even though that game took place in 2015 and shouldn’t really count

KU rutgers.jpg

I don’t have a reason for Rutgers, I just wanted to throw the name out there. Just let it roll off your tongue, Jayhawk fans – “I hate Rutgers”. Just say it a few times. “Fuck The Knights”. It sounds good, doesn’t it?

North Carolina

Overall Record: Kansas leads 84-66, Brandon Rush with 25-2-7

roy williams.jpg

Carolina is our real kindred spirit:

  • Both are primarily basketball schools
  • Both have mascots that date back to the civil war
  • Both have employed Roy Williams
  • Both have varying amounts of warranted hatred for Philip Rivers

We could call this the “Just Wait ’til Basketball Season” bowl, and the trophy would be sad fans on Twitter.


Overall Record: Kansas leads 3-0-1, the last game, in 1982, ending in a 13-13 tie


Same thing as North Carolina, except Kentucky has also lost 30+ straight games against a rival, much like KU had with Nebraska all those years ago.


Overall Record: These two teams have never played, presumably because of Alabama’s fear of scheduling the Jayhawks

we want bama.jpeg

Fuck it, aim high.

With the homecoming game falling on the same weekend as the Reagan Bowl, it’s bound to be a rowdy Saturday out at Memorial Stadium, and I hope to see you all out there as the Jayhawks either lose by 40 points or somehow repeat the 2012 game. I’ll be there, and if nothing else, we’ll probably see those nice new stadium mockups on the video board again.

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